Postpartum Depression, My Struggle into Survival

**may trigger**

Coming to the realization and eventual acceptance that I did, in fact, have Postpartum Depression was horrifying. I felt alone, ashamed, weak, powerless and at times suicidal. Having been through this and knowing the intense struggle I wanted to share my story, along with the definitions/symptoms/treatment, of PPD. The worst thing a depressed Mother needs is to feel alone and ashamed. Hopefully my experience will help those of you experiencing this will give you a sense of support and comfort in knowing that you are not suffering alone.

By the time I got pregnant with my twin boys I was 27 years old and had already struggled with major depression most of my life. Going into the pregnancy I knew that the possibility of developing PPD was higher than average but even with this knowledge I never wanted to admit it. I think I clung to the label of "baby blues" for about 5-6 months before truly accepting the fact that what I was experiencing was far more severe than mere blues. I was...suicidal.

The boys were just a month or so old and I can remember crying hysterically for an entire day and having my Mother-in-law come by to help with the kids and ask me if I felt like harming the babies. I said, "no, I would never hurt them. I just want to hurt myself. They'd be better off without knowing me." That evening my house was filled with friends and family members trying to help me get through the night without doing something I couldn't take back. I had more nights like this than I care to remember. I became so ashamed and felt so guilty for not bonding with my children, who I loved more than my own life and who I always wanted, that I started to turn my fears into realities by thinking that every time another Mother would look at me they would know that I was a horrible, totally unworthy parent who deserved to have her children taken away. It was horrifying but completely untrue. People weren't looking down on me, they were trying to help me. Had I realized this fact my struggle may have been less intense and my healing time may have been faster but I was a mess; a classic case of severe PPD.

My illness manifested itself with insomnia, panic attacks so severe I thought I was having heart attacks, no appetite and rapid weight loss, headaches, constant crying, lack of energy, little interest in bonding and caring for my children and suicide. At least once a day for weeks at a time I would think about killing myself and in my head I would list all of the ways committing suicide was the best possible solution for every single person in my life. I saw no benefit to my life, only continued heartache. Watching me during those moments must have been agonizing for my friends and family and I am forever fortunate that the boys were too young to realize what was happening and to recognize the sadness I was showing to them. Divorce was a prominent thought as was wanting to jump in the car and just drive away and just disappearing. Bottom line, I convinced myself that I was unworthy and because of this I then tried to make everyone around me believe the same so that it would be easier for me to say goodbye.

After my pregnancy I began seeing my therapist more frequently, however my PPD was so severe and my history with the disease was so long that I was also put back on medication. My doctor's and I were attacking this from every possible angle and with a lot of support and encouragement I am able to say to you that I am happy. My boys turned 2 on July 23, 2011 and finally I can say that I am starting to feel whole again. Finally I can say that I am happy, comfortable and confident as a Mother to two of the most amazing human beings on the planet. Had it not been for the support of everyone around me I do not think I would be here today to share my story with you.

If you or someone you know is feeling like I did please, please seek help. I promise you, getting treatment will be the best thing you can do for your family and most importantly, you.

k.